video of the week =)

attention whore

It really is exhausting, all of the attention I need. I constantly seek out reassurance and value from everything in this world...I look to my boyfriend, which is extremely exhausting for him, I'm sure. I start fights and act like a drama queen to get attention. THen, I find myself getting mad at him because he cannot fulfill me. I look to my friends...who, have mostly moved away and are now pursuing awesome careers and lives outside of this little town. I love them dearly, but I have recently found myself alone most often. I look to my family who is just...well, wonderfully insane and unstable.

I look to everything BUT what is going to establish value in my soul.

I never imagined that once I really tasted the sweetness of God's love, that there really is NOTHING in this world that can compare. My heart and soul know the depth to which He has made me and no other soul can even hope to reach me that deep. It's not fair to expect one to, really. Not that God ever really leaves, but...when I'm not looking to Him to fill that spot, I search tirelessly for something that can. My search, which can last anywhere from a couple of moments to a couple of weeks always leads me to the same conclusion...

God and God alone, has left a mark on my soul that is never fading. It is indelible. I can not smudge it or erase it or turn it into what I think I need. The change that God made on my heart is one no one but Him can erase.

And the most beautiful part to me, an incredible attention whore, is the fact that He never tires of reminding me of this love...this wonderful thing He's done in my life. No matter how many times I doubt Him and the times I desperately need to hear that He loves me...He tells me. Even times when I didn't know that's what I needed...He does. What other lover can do that? Only The Lover.

stressed!

So...I have a LOT of things coming up in the next week that I'm trying NOT to stress over, but I fear it might get the best of me. If you happen to read this, please pray for me! I have my nursing entrance exam tomorrow at 8 am! I pretty much need to get a perfect score on this to have hope of getting into the nursing program...I also have my 2nd microbiology exam on tuesday which I also need to do extremely well on.

please pray that I don't die...although the alternative would be much easier for me.

just kidding, really.

I might be back in a week...or at least after next tuesday.

<3

loving a person

[click] Loving a Person by Sara Groves

I have been blessed to be able to fall in love and have a relationship with a patient and caring guy. I truly believe that God has made him especially for me and my heart. Over the past year or so...my outlook on love has changed drastically. It hasn't changed in a way that has caused me to grow jaded or hardened-quite the opposite. This love that we have has made me value, even more the act of loving and the state of being IN love.

However, this past year has also been one of the most emotionally and spiritually tiring experiences in my life. I have learned so much about myself, about my guy, and most importantly, about the lover that God is. Just as the song above deals with, it is incredibly difficult at times to love a person exactly the way that they are, no matter what. Unconditional love is a nice little term on the receiving end, but when it comes to being the unconditional LOVER, the experience is often quite different. SO MANY TIMES, my selfishness, self-centeredness and pride present a huge wall in my effort to keep my relationship strong....mostly because I am completely and utterly imperfect: proud, selfish and self-centered. Many times, my actions stem from motives that are to fulfill myslef and making sure I am getting treated fairly out of the two of us. I resort back to the "Love is.." passage from 1 corinthians often and find that my heart is in a state exactly the opposite of what Love is. I am impatient in seeing my needs are fulfilled first, I get jealous, I am proud, instead of forgiving wrongs and casting them into the sea, I keep score. I often wonder if the "perfect love"1 John 4 talks about is even existent between two people.


That's where the perfect, unchanging love of God comes in. I am amazed that someone that is in fact, perfect in every single way....especially when it comes to love, can love a person so filled up with imperfection. He is not the least bit proud, even though He has everything He is to take pride in. He is patient with our imperfections, and the most selfless of lovers. He always protects me and never fails. Romans 8:38-40 says that there is nothing in this whole world that can separate us from the love we have in our Lord. I once thought I understood what this meant, but now I'm not sure that we can even fathom such a love so constant, so self-sacrificing.

Because God has revealed to me so carefully, His perfect way of loving me through the times I felt no more love was in me, I am convinced He will continue to do the same for my life on earth. That most definitely includes helping me love an imperfect, and wonderful man that He's given me. Loving a person just the way they are ain't no small thing. I am thankful that He's given me the oppurtunity to see the beauty of seeing things through.






Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

God is my victory!

I adore this song and it has been a great comfort to me lately...this video was truly a blessing. Jill is one of the worship leaders from Hillsong.