attention whore

It really is exhausting, all of the attention I need. I constantly seek out reassurance and value from everything in this world...I look to my boyfriend, which is extremely exhausting for him, I'm sure. I start fights and act like a drama queen to get attention. THen, I find myself getting mad at him because he cannot fulfill me. I look to my friends...who, have mostly moved away and are now pursuing awesome careers and lives outside of this little town. I love them dearly, but I have recently found myself alone most often. I look to my family who is just...well, wonderfully insane and unstable.

I look to everything BUT what is going to establish value in my soul.

I never imagined that once I really tasted the sweetness of God's love, that there really is NOTHING in this world that can compare. My heart and soul know the depth to which He has made me and no other soul can even hope to reach me that deep. It's not fair to expect one to, really. Not that God ever really leaves, but...when I'm not looking to Him to fill that spot, I search tirelessly for something that can. My search, which can last anywhere from a couple of moments to a couple of weeks always leads me to the same conclusion...

God and God alone, has left a mark on my soul that is never fading. It is indelible. I can not smudge it or erase it or turn it into what I think I need. The change that God made on my heart is one no one but Him can erase.

And the most beautiful part to me, an incredible attention whore, is the fact that He never tires of reminding me of this love...this wonderful thing He's done in my life. No matter how many times I doubt Him and the times I desperately need to hear that He loves me...He tells me. Even times when I didn't know that's what I needed...He does. What other lover can do that? Only The Lover.