maybe it's maybelline

Phew, this has been an interesting couple of months for me. On the outside, everything has been going extraordinary! I have been doing well in school, loving my patients at the hisoutal, the beginnings of wedding planning, God has been supplying me with funds to allow me to focus on school and not go insane from working all the time....BUT...I have been in a funk that I cannot seem to describe without words like depression, insecurity, etc. I have felt overwhelmed and extremely low the last couple months. I have had constant thoughts and feelings like my personality or looks or activities are inadequate to keep the attention of my friends, family, and even fiance. Going against my convictions of seeking beauty on the inside, I have found myself searching for ways to improve my looks in subconscious efforts to acquire that attention from others I felt I was not getting. Monthly tanning membership, excessively coloring my hair, a little more makeup, shopping a little more...all things perfectly fine until I figured out WHY I was resorting to these things to make me feel like I was worth something. Then this little christian girl, who used to be so passionate about being valued by God vs. men had an even stronger conviction of hypocrisy.

Silly, right!? Looking back, I was like a kid on the playground stomping her feet and pouting because no one wanted to play with her!

This attitude of inadequacy and the feelings of rejection lead me to push some people away and practically beg others in my life to curb that hunger for attention in my heart. Crying myself to sleep, barely smiling, and entirely void of happiness most of the time...I self diagnosed myself with situational depression. I am sure I tried to hide it but the people closest to me surely could tell that something about me was different.

Anyway...sunday morning was kind of the breaking point for me. I had been pushing God away, ignoring that whisper to confide in Him. Pushing away that hand He lovingly held out to me for months. Then, Pastor steve spoke about how we use emotional walls to keep God out and from keeping us from living the lives of contentment and joy that He so desperately wants for us. God is our heavenly father and so wants to see His children live WHOLE lives. I felt compelled to ask for prayer, so God practically held my hands down the aisle and susan prayed so graciously and beautifully over me, commanding that the devil flee from my mind and my heart and that he has no right to control my emotions any more.

The past couple days, I have been personally challenged to cut the time it normally takes me to get ready in half-using the remainder that I would normally spend on trying to beautify my outsides on letting God beautify my insides! Spending time with One so gracious and loving, who knows my heart, who loves to spend intimate time with ME and show me the glorious truths about Himself...now THAT is a way to prepare yourself for the day! I have noticed a huge change and when I think about the change God has made in my heart and mind, it just makes me smile =)

If you can relate to me on this issue in any way, be encouraged! God loves you and created you the way you are for a reason and for a purpose and He admires you the way you are! He loves you too much to let you think otherwise! It is good to be near God.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. I need it!